Life and Death…
That deep dark hole I always seem to find myself in, more often than not lately, is getting wearing.
I’ve dealt with depression since a young age and I’m still learning to embrace it rather than fight it. Its hard to have any clarity in that hole. Its so consuming. My mind just hits turmoil and the feelings of being suppressed, trapped, stuck, underwhelmed, overwhelmed, tired… sad… lonely…
I think loneliness is a big trigger for me. I feel I’ve spent the majority of my life alone. Hanging out is my favorite thing to do, doing nothing but with someone… if that makes sense. I love the feeling of calmness, when the energy is light and happy…calm. Being with and seeing people being in their absolute being-ness, when there is no ego, no games no agendas just 100% authentically themselves. when the mood is light, happy…calm.
Another trigger for me is motherhood.
I was moved around a lot as a kid, adolescents and then that carried on through my young adulthood and still to this day. I’m a drifter with gypsy like tendencies. Just trying to find my place in the world. Maybe I’m not meant to settle in one place and that’s why I get the stuck feeling so much? Being a mother forces me to stay in one place for long periods of time, which I feel like wouldn’t be so bad if I had a partner/company to share the moments with. My kids should be enough right?
I think time to time how much better off their life would be without me and my inconsistencies, and how I could just give away everything buy a wee van and hit the road, in the search of my soul, but then being away from them the maternal instinct kicks in and I worry know one could possibly love them the way I could. But here I am fucking it up anyways?!
I just cant win.
Its down in that deep dark pit that the thoughts and fear of death creep on me. If it weren’t for my kids the only thing keeping me here is the fear of death itself, but to tell you the truth life is just as scary. As time goes on the stronger the urge seems to be getting and the scary thing is I actually don’t trust my impulses and it may just get that bit to much and ill go.
I lost the fear of death for a time there… but I feel that’s a whole other story of its own. Its called grief.
-D